


Yellow (Right Before the Snow Flies)

by Anime_or_scifi, Milu, sugarplumsenpai



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, M/M, No Manga Spoilers, Post-Canon, Post-War, Snk MiniBang, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-11 19:16:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7904434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anime_or_scifi/pseuds/Anime_or_scifi, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milu/pseuds/Milu, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarplumsenpai/pseuds/sugarplumsenpai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a snowy afternoon Levi slips on the frozen pavement and injures his arm. Before he knows it he is left with a cast…and a self-proclaimed nanny. </p><p>Or: The one that started out as "the Haircut Fic".</p><p>This work, including its art, was created for the Snk Mini Bang Event 2016 on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Words and idea by [sugarplumsenpai](http://sugarplum-senpai.tumblr.com/).  
> Art by [Anime_or_scifi](http://dr-s--art.tumblr.com/) (chapter 1) and [Milu](http://miluuu.tumblr.com/) (chapter 2). 
> 
> Thank you so much to my two wonderful artists—it was such a lovely experience to work with you—and to the guys from the [Snk Mini Bang 2016](http://snkminibang.tumblr.com/) for hosting this event. Also thanks to [my beta](http://kneesocksenpai.tumblr.com/) without whose advice this story wouldn't have become what it is and many hugs and chocolate chip cookies to [Shulkie](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/) for all the helpful and lovely advice.
> 
> Of course I had to write a snowy winter fic in the middle of burning summer. And yes, (a part of) the title is, once more, named after [a Coldplay song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MwjX4dG72s). Because of so many reasons…

A front was coming.

What always unsettled me most about winter above the ground was the unmistakable gloom right before the first flakes of snow would escape the heavy mantle of clouds. It was the change in the already dim light when it assumed an intense, eerie glow that didn’t really seem to come from any particular source, but from everywhere around. For a few seconds I smelled the well-known staleness and the filth. The mud. The rotting. The walls closed around me, hemmed me in, and I felt my past settle on my skin until I truly was back there. Down in the Underground. 

Where I was born.

Then, only a few breaths later, the first flakes would fall and break the spell, lift the old feeling of unease and restlessness, only to replace it with a sentiment of calmness and quietness. And every time these first flakes would fly, I stopped for a moment to regard them in awe. Just like that day. 

I’d been feeling that familiar prickle since I’d returned from my ride. Like someone breathing down your neck, paired with the recent discomfort in my bones that only confirmed the knowledge of the approaching blizzard. It would snow any moment now. 

I rechecked the blanket on my mare, patted her goodbye for the day, closed the box behind me, and left the stables for my house. 

It was a particularly cold winter for us—according to Hanji and Armin due to our current location. When the war had been over the Survey Corps had been sent out to explore the world. We traveled, discovered new land, drew maps, and sometimes built settlements on our way. The creating process helped with the adaption to the new way of life and the villages proved to be suitable shelters during winter. It was a welcomed prospect to sleep in real beds in real houses instead of camping on the cold, hard ground in tents when the frost came.

Since our first leave townsfolk had made themselves comfortable here. The streets had been fortified with cobblestones and a certain bustle gave the village a homey atmosphere. That afternoon though not a soul crossed my path as my feet carried me down the twisting alleyways on their own. Going by the lamps and candles that had been lit in the homes, the people had already sought refuge. The warm shimmers of light waited silently for the approaching darkness of the evening and promised a cosiness the outside couldn’t provide these days. 

Fighting against the rising images in my head I glimpsed up to a certain window of a familiar building, as always when I passed it. The room behind it was unlighted and dark. No one home. 

And just at that thought the glow came. Grey clouds became yellow. The whole world turned too luminous and that unnatural frowst filled my nose. The sky got replaced by a dark, impenetrable ceiling of stone and earth and dirt. Noises reverberated unnaturally through my head, breathing was disgusting, and yet I knew it wasn’t truly real. It wouldn’t last. It would fade. 

It did. Snow began to float down. 

Gently.

Peacefully.

Freely. 

Adding new spots of white to the old ones on the ground. And I watched. 

Eventually the promise of an invigorating cup of tea alongside an anticipating flutter in my stomach made me wrest myself away from the sight and pick up my pace.

I hurried around a corner and stepped on a frozen pile of old snow. My boot lost its grip. My bad foot didn’t obey and slipped away under me. My arms flailed shortly in the air. Tried to regain balance. And then I lost my halt completely. A familiar shout echoed from the houses nearby just as I crushed forwards, downwards, only to instinctively land on my hands. Pain. Shit. 

While my face was still on level with ice-glad cobblestones a quick body check affirmed my first impression—cold and dampness and dirt. The leg seemed to be still alright as far as I could tell. The other one too. But yes, there definitely was pain in my hands. Fuck. 

And then I heard the running footsteps approach, despite the slippery road. That fool! He’d fall too. 

He didn’t. He’d probably not have minded anyway.

Opposed to Hanji, who would have laughed their bony arse off at my sight, Eren kept a straight face as he helped me back onto my feet. He didn’t even comment on it. He did, however, look me over with a vigilant glance and accompanied me to my small lodge at the outskirts of the village. Most of our soldiers were housed in community centers. Only the senior officers had their privacy in form of little cottages which were furnished a bit more comfortably.

“Let me check these hands,” he said as soon as we were inside and he removed his wet boots in the entrance to put them next to mine. 

I could never tell what it was that made me give in when he was like this. Probably a mixture of the glimmer in his eyes, the candid care in his voice and the knowledge that he wouldn’t give it a rest until he got what he wanted. So I held them out, albeit not without uttering my disapproval. “It’s nothing.”

It was merely a guess. The right wrist still hurt and even though I estimated that nothing was broken, rotating and squeezing it shut properly was uncomfortable. But Eren silently elided my rather weak grumble anyway and enkindled an oil lamp to have a better look at the injury.

“It’s already swollen.” Despite degrees under the freezing point outside his hands were warm as they skilfully applied pressure to my skin and bones and I tried my best to keep the scowl on my face. He had a few snowflakes in his hair that had begun to melt; the tiny drops glistened in the flaring light. 

“We should cool it and disinfect the scrapes. I’ll make some tea first.”

With that his hands were gone and he slipped out of his cloak and jacket to hang them on a provided hook next to the door. It would be useless to protest, so I slipped out of my cloak and jacket too, rolled up my sleeves in necessity and sat down at the kitchen table, absent-mindedly stretching out my leg to take the weight off. I checked my knees. At least they hadn’t hit the earth too hard. The fabric of the trousers was only dirty, not torn, and they’d presumably be safe from Eren’s treatment.

I could hear him rummaging around, washing his hands, lightning a match, heating a kettle of water on the stove, and setting out to steep a pot of tea. When he rejoined me he had a first aid kit with him, as well as a washcloth. He handed me the latter—despite its dampness it was pleasantly warm—and I cleaned my hands, tuning out the twinge in the bad wrist. In the meantime Eren had already taken place on an opposite chair and was searching the box on the table for a pair of tweezers which he sanitised with some alcohol.

“Stretch.”

I defeatedly held out my arms to let him check the palms for dirt and small stones in the slightly bloody wounds. At least the scratches looked more nasty than they probably were—harmless abrasions that would bruise and heal during the course of a couple of days. “I can do that myself, you know.”

A pair of eyes shortly flickered up from their work to fixate on mine and I oppressed a sigh. I recognised that look. He’d been cultivating it for years. I had no other choice than to sit this out. 

“I know.” He reached for some gauze and alcohol to disinfect the lesions on my thenars. His voice was quiet, but allowed no objection.

“Just get it over with.”

It had become our usual routine—him patching me up whenever I’d gotten injured during a mission or something else. By now we both were aware of the fact that he wouldn’t let me be until he’d vetted me to his satisfaction. As much as we both were aware of the fact that I would certainly not abide by any one’s advice as soon as I was alone again…which probably was the cause for Eren’s thoroughgoing care in the first place. 

It was almost endearing how he always became some sort of mother hen that fluttered about whenever someone had gotten hurt in any sort of way. Especially regarding how he wouldn’t even so much as flinch when he’d get a spike through his chest or lose a limb. Why he always preferred to take care of my wounds personally instead of letting others deal with it, I could only guess. I had a hunch. It was a matter we both remained silent about, like we were walking on eggshells.

“It’s because of the leg, isn’t it?” The assumption was soft-spoken and made me look up in surprise. His expression matched the gentle touch of his fingers that applied some salve onto my palms, yet his jaw had tightened in an old worry. I asked myself if that guilt would ever go away completely. 

At my threatening glare his dimples deepened in a mild smile. “You move a bit carefully these days.” He was finished and let me roll my sleeves back down while he stored away the jar with the ointment. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe. Apart from Hanji and me no one has noticed.”

“Guess I’m just getting too old,” I mumbled and massaged my injuries to make up for the fading warmth, now that his hands were gone. My own were always chilly and rough in comparison, but it had to be enough. 

Eren let my comment slide. “Here, the tea.”

I nodded a thanks. “Sit down and have a cup as well.”

“Thank you.” 

He smiled raptly in understanding and I stood up to change my clothes and fetch the chess board.

As we set up the game the usual familiarity settled around us. Like every winter it was strange to live in separate houses instead of sharing a headquarter or being crowded on a meadow. Even if it only would be for a couple of months. One day Eren had stood on my doorstep, a chess board in his hands and a question in his eyes. I’d been grateful for the company and had let him in. Two days later he’d been back and before I knew it, it had become a daily thing.

After a couple of manoeuvres I glanced up at him. “You won’t tell Hanji about this, will you?”

“About our private tea and chess parties?” He winked with a grin. “Or about how you graciously flew to the ground in an impeccable arc and squealed?”

“Tch.” I hadn’t squealed.

“You know they’ll find out anyway, though. It’s you dominant one.”

“Mm.” I took another sip of the tea. It was perfect. 

“Tell me if it doesn’t heal. Ha-ha…check!” He always got carried away when he played white. 

I let him have his moment. Then I smirked and took his queen. “Whoops.”

“Damn it!”

“For a soldier you’ve always cared–”

“…too less for bloody defense. Yeah, yeah. Good that Historia can look after herself on her own, huh?” 

“Right,” I added drily. “She never got into trouble. Just like you.”

He stuck out his tongue and chuckled.

I smiled into my cup.

Needless to say I didn’t cool the arm. I didn’t rest it either. I also didn’t tell any of them anything about the stinging throb in my wrist that, as the weeks passed by, didn’t really abate. 

Of course they noticed. And in the end I probably should have known better. I should have smelled the rat as soon as Hanji came up with the idea to sit together on my birthday in a small round of friends. “Nothing big or scary,” they had put it. “Just drinking your precious hot leaf water and noshing cake.”

So I had invited them over. Sasha had baked the cake and that alone was a nice surprise. And, fair enough, everything went well at first. Then Hanji got out their doctor’s bag with a dangerously determined glint in their eyes that felt like we’d been spending too much time together. Not good.

“What a nice tea party, birthday boy.” They opened the bag to fish out plaster and bandages. “Down to business.”

Everyday life with the cast that went from my fingertips all the way up to my elbow was, summarised, rather dull. At least, as I kept on telling myself, we still were on winter break which meant there simply weren’t so many duties to fulfill. Most of the tasks were related to keeping an eye on the horses, helping in the village, and chores. 

It also meant cabin fever never was far away. It was a good thing that I still could train with one hand and arm and I continued with doing so, keeping my left-handed combat refined and making sure the muscles stayed strong; it would help the other arm as well. I could still do most of the housekeeping on my own and take care of myself. For everything else I had a nanny. 

Eren would show up in the mornings right on time for breakfast to leave after dinner and in between he took care of everything he didn’t consider fit for my state. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, running errands…Eren did it all with a never-waving matter of course. Fortunately, he acknowledged that I needed some occupation at least and didn’t impose on me.

When we were finished with the chores—even with thorough cleaning the cottage still was a small one and the tasks were limited—he would retreat. He’d sit down on the sofa and read or find something to do outside that wouldn’t take him too far away. 

Like that it went rather smoothly and complaining about the arrangement would have been stupid. Everyone else, especially someone like Hanji, would have driven me up the wall after one day. Eren had always been different.

Admittedly, for a day or so I found myself secretly searching for methods to get rid of the cast. I loathed the damn thing extremely and would rather have faced a discomfort in my movements than being immobile. But ultimately I faced the fact that it would be pointless in any event. Even if I would succeed Hanji would triumph in the end and the cast would be back, this time certainly even all the way up to my shoulder. Most of all, however, it would have betrayed Eren’s trust and so there was no other option than to grit my teeth and accept my condition. 

Days became weeks and Eren integrated more and more into my daily routine in an effortless manner. Years of working like we did and fighting side by side made it seem a natural progress and being aware of each other’s character and quirks only helped. Free afternoons were spent with our usual games of chess, reading, and doing paperwork with a shared pot of tea between us. Occasionally Eren would stay after dinner and we’d go back to our reads. One evening he came across something interesting and read it out loud. We ended up talking about that and the habit somehow stuck. 

I didn’t let myself think about how comfortable and oddly domestic it was. I didn’t let myself think about the fact that it would end eventually either.

The worst thing about the whole situation was the hygiene part. It was complicated enough with one arm in a cast, but worst of all I couldn’t even wash it. The dirt and the sweat crept under the plaster, made me feel itchy and appalled at myself, and I was disgustedly reminded of the fact that I couldn’t even shower efficiently with that hideous thing. Little things turned out to be the most tedious. Like putting toothpaste onto the toothbrush. Cutting my nails. Soaping the shaving brush. Shaving in general. 

My frustration reached its climax on a particularly grey and misty morning when I found my hair falling into my face as I drank my breakfast tea. I emerged from the cup with tea trickling down from my fringe, running over my cheeks, and dripping onto my freshly washed trousers in amber coloured blots. 

Again, Eren didn’t laugh. Instead he finished our shared breakfast of porridge and let me curse and go to change my pants. When I returned from the bedroom a couple of minutes later I wasn’t surprised to find him in the bathroom, waving with the clippers. “Do you’ve got proper scissors too?”

Another couple of minutes later the stained pair of trousers were soaking in the sink and I sat on a stool in the joint tiny living room and kitchen, letting Eren drape a towel around my shoulders. And as ridiculous as it was, I felt my heartbeat speed up. 

I took a bracing breath.

“How short?” He handed me a second towel to put on my lap and fetched himself a chair. 

“Shorter than it is now.”

He grinned. “Well, obviously.”

“Just don’t cut me or make me bald. I don’t care about the rest, it will regrow anyway.”

“Okay. No second Connie then. Got it.”

I snorted involuntarily. “Not if you want to leave this place alive.”

He grinned once more and held up the scissors. “Okay?”

By his look I could tell he wouldn’t start without an approval and I nodded thankfully at the question. Another reassuring nod on his side and then his fingers were on me. I felt them running through my hair to ruffle it up loosely in carefree movements, only to being replaced by a comb that smoothed it out again. It was followed by a gentle pull on my strands and then they got trimmed one by one, starting with those hanging over my right eye.

“Like this?” 

I squinted up at the result.  A little too long, I estimated. “It’s alright, I guess.”

“Hm…”

Taking a strand of the fringe between his thumb and index finger, Eren guided it over my brow to let it fall loosely again. “Usually you prefer it shorter, don’t you?” he contemplated out loud. 

“Whatever.”

He bent over a bit, probably musing over the right position where to execute the cut correctly. And suddenly his face was close, his eyes looking directly into mine for a split second before he refocussed on the strands. 

Sometimes I only could wonder about myself. Mostly it was when Eren was around and it unsettled me deeply. I’d never really been ‘attracted’ to anybody…whatever that meant. The mere concept was weird to me, abhorrent even. It caused so many problems and too much trouble. And for what?

I’d tried to explain it to Farlan once and then to Hanji years later. But both times it had been hard to find the correct words. How could you explain that you didn’t like what everyone else seemed to want or need? That fucking, live and let live aside, wasn’t something important in your opinion, or desirable? That, on the contrary, it only reminded you of death? That touch was okay in certain situations and with certain people and that simply being held was still some kind of secret and embarrassing wish? 

Not that anyone would even dare to cross that line as soon as they saw me. Except…

Still so close. 

Eren’s face was calm and his brows were knitted in concentration, their curves ending over the first trace of crows feet that would match his dimples when he smiled. Not for the first time I was amazed by how Eren, despite all the hardship he had gone through, had accomplished to get laughter lines this early in his young life. It was hard to look away from them. 

Apparently he had come to a decision and cut the right side of my fringe anew. After ruffling it up and combing it once more he leaned back in his chair and examined the work from a bit afar. 

Better. And the hair had the exact right length too, the tip of the inside strand barely brushing over my eyebrow and the outside strand hanging loosely over the corner of my eye, not yet reaching my cheekbone. 

“Better, isn’t it?”

Not knowing how to respond otherwise I harrumphed with a shrug and Eren proceeded. 

For a while there was nothing to hear but the sporadic snipping sounds of metal against metal while short wisps of black fell down onto the white towels and I let my mind wander. It didn’t get far. It obviously wasn’t Eren’s first time to cut someone else’s hair. And apparently he did it in the same manner he attended to wounds. Rigorous and with surprisingly gentle fingers that never were too careful all the same.

Also, as it seemed, with the same curiosity and openness he did everything else. “How do you usually manage to do the back of your head?” He stated the question as if he didn’t really anticipate an answer. 

I decided to do him the favour anyway. “The same way as you, smart-arse.”

His movements stopped. “You let Armin cut your hair?” It sounded strangely offended and staggered  and I desperately tried to push words like ‘cute’ or ‘adorable’ far, far away. 

“No, I settle for a strand and trim. Obviously.”

“Oh…right.” 

_Snip._

He hummed irritatedly and I gave in. “What.”

“It’s always so neat. And it’s not like you can see what you’re doing back there.”

“Ever heard of mirrors?”

“Hm?”

“Mirrors,” I repeated, not able to hide the sarcasm. “You know them right? Sparkly surface and useful?” Careful to not let the towel fall from my shoulders, I turned a bit in my chair and nodded at the bathroom door. “You can see yourself in them. You should try it sometimes.”

Eren laughed. “Oh, really? And I thought that was another person living in there. Looking just like me. Huh.”

“Silly questions…”

With another chuckle rolling out of his chest he nudged my jaw so I’d turn my head. “Eyes front.”

I searched for something distracting to talk about. “For what it’s worth, I seriously doubt Hanji knows about mirrors too.” 

Eren, I felt it more than I could see it, shook his head in amusement. “Can’t wait to drag them into a shower again, can you?”

“You have absolutely no idea.”

“I guess I have _some_ idea…”

“Did you see that nest on their head yesterday?” I shuddered. “Disgusting.” 

He was smiling, dimples, crows feet, eyes, and everything. “Yes, I did…eyes front!” 

I oppressed the urge to savour the feeling of his warm fingers on my skin while at the same time I talked myself into not liking the soft massage of my scalp, even though it made me relax on the stool. I also vehemently convinced myself that I didn’t feel my stomach tingle and churn at the proximity. I didn’t want to long for this. Didn’t want to dream about this any longer only to wake up alone, feeling cold.

_Snip._

_Snip._

Eventually I gave in and let myself soak it all up. When had I last been touched like this? I wondered. When had I last been touched at all—apart from rare handshakes that I always tried to avoid as much as I could, an occasional punch into my shoulder from Hanji or in situations that had involved injuries? I couldn’t recall. The thought preyed more on my mind than I wanted to admit to myself.

Knuckles brushed over the back of my head and my eyes closed on their own. There had been this one embrace right after our victory over the Titans. Surprising, shocking almost. Warm and strong and filled with hope. A powerful heartbeat against my ear mingling with a laugh that could bewitch the sun and the stars–

“I’m sorry by the way.”

I opened my eyes and couldn’t help a frown. “What for?”

“For the cast.”

“Don’t worry about it.” No, Eren wasn’t to blame for this. I never had imputed him in the first place. 

_Snip. Snip. Snip._

“It’s funny to know that I’ll never need one of these.” He moved his chair a bit as he continued. He was sitting to my left now. “I’ve been cut and bitten apart so many times and don’t have the slightest sign of that on me. It’s like it never happened.”

“But it did.” I had the feeling I had to confirm that point. Every single wound and cut…I remembered them all. Sometimes I caught myself looking at his hands, not quite believing they were actually there. It was beyond a miracle that he was still sitting here this day in one piece, fresh as a daisy and strong and breathing and happy—hopefully.

“Yeah, it did.” His voice was softer now and the scissors resumed their work. “It’s still strange to have no visual evidence of it.” A dry snort escaped him, almost like an excuse. “Not that I’m complaining.”

“Mm.” I wanted to comfort him and tried to imagine what he would say in this situation. But instead of coming up with something sensible I ended up with blurting out the first thing that came to my mind. “It’s like eating without having to take a shit afterwards.”

Oh, just shut up!

Eren, however, had already burst out in laughter and leant away with the scissors in his hand. His eyes were watery, his chest was heaving, and it almost seemed like he couldn’t stop. Hearing him laugh always unclenched the knot in my guts and I couldn’t hide a content smile.

He still was chortling.

“Come on, brat. Cut my hair before I’ll have birds in there as well.”

He opened his eyes to look at me curiously in between a few last chuckles and when he spoke there was something underneath that I couldn’t put a finger on. “Very well.” The quiet smile that remained on his lips made my stomach flutter again and I didn’t know if I should curse about that or find out what was going on. 

I opted for both. “What is it.”

“Nothing.”

Such a bad liar. His left earlobe was red. So fucking cute.

_Snip._

“You called me brat,” he finally gave away, the dimples on his cheeks deepening as he shrugged and his fingers were running through my hair once more. “It’s been a while.” 

Oh. That…

And as if these dimples and red earlobes weren’t enough already, Eren began to croon some tune to himself as he proceeded. I’d already heard him doing that during chores regularly, some song that I knew by heart by now. This melody, however, was new. More soothing and sweetly calm. It fit his voice that hadn’t changed so much over the years, but was considerably deeper when he hummed. It was a tune that made it seem almost too easy to curl up against it and close your eyes. 

“Well, compared to me you still are a brat.” I tried to sound casual.

“Yeah, yeah,” Eren smiled, much too blithely. And not a moment later I felt him playfully tug at a strand on my temple he’d caught me lament over in front of the mirror just the other day. 

“Oi.” Without minding about the scissors in his other hand I slapped his fingers away. “That’s not funny.”

“Trust me. It is. Only you could be so shirty about something silly like this. You still kick arse out there like no one else, but mourn over lightning hair as if it would make you a dodderer.”

“Mikasa–”

“Doesn’t count. She’s always been weird.”

“Tch!” Only siblings could be so undermining of each other’s abilities. Also, it was a bit thick for him to describe others as ‘weird’ given the fact that he’d once had a Titan coming out of his arse on a regular basis. 

My thoughts nearly drowned out his next words. 

“I like it. Shows me you are human after all. I was beginning to get worried.”

Apparently I had lost the ability to speak. And Eren, by now done with the upper part of the undercut, set aside the scissors, combed through the strands and bent forward once more to pull at both sides of my fringe. Mirth was still dancing in his eyes, shining in a compelling way that was not good for my peace of mind. At all. And he was too close again. 

His look crept under my skin and made me think things. I wanted to catch it and lock it away inside of me to look at it in bad times. It was ridiculous. It should have been. 

It wasn’t. It made my heart feel like someone would squish it. It kept on doing that more frequently recently. I couldn’t even tell anymore when this had started. Months, fuck, years ago. Probably it would break me eventually. It felt like breaking. Slowly and inevitably.

“Seems to be alright. What do you think?”

I glanced up, glad about an excuse to avoid meeting his gaze. “S’ not bad.”

“Mm.” He leant back. “Let me just get the clippers for the underpart after all.”

When he was gone I closed my eyes. There was no hope for me. My head was swirling and I felt sick to my stomach. 

Breathe, I reminded myself. Only breathe long enough and ignore it and it will go away. This isn’t only completely inappropriate but you also can’t give him what he wants. What he deserves. 

Breathe. Just breathe and bring your heart to fucking calm down. 

Breathe.

I heard some splashing sounds from the bathroom—surely Eren checking on the trousers in the sink—and opened my eyes, forcing every thought of self-pity and pathetic longing away. One stuck around though, and it became louder and louder in my head, filling me with self-disgust. 

If only I would be enough. 

Just enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to [Anime_or_scifi](http://dr-s--art.tumblr.com/) for the wonderful collaboration and for drawing the gorgeous art for this chapter. I love it so much! <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I changed the first chapter since it went online, concerning the story about how Levi got his cast. The changes aren't important to the plot, but I wanted you to know. Thanks again to [Shulkie](http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/), for the help! <3
> 
> Chapter art by [Milu](http://miluuu.tumblr.com/).

It was a good haircut. Of course it was. I didn’t know what I had expected. Let Eren do something and he’d not only do it right, but with everything he’d got. It didn’t even look as if it was freshly done. And I couldn’t find one single stray hair on the ground after he had swept it.

To my relief my inner tension from that morning dissolved somehow—at least up to its usual state if not completely—and after that we continued with our familiar routine of breakfast, chores, training, paperwork, chess, dinner, and see-you-tomorrows. It was like nothing had happened. Only that now I knew how it felt to have his fingers run through my hair. How these intense eyes looked from a close range. How his hum felt when it vibrated on my skin. It haunted my nights and days.

Whenever he was gone the void in my house was almost tangible. Whenever he was around I wanted to reach out. I despised myself for it. And yet I couldn't turn away from how his eyes would crinkle with every smile. How his voice would fill the room with brightness and how his mere presence made me feel more at home than I’d ever been.

Time seemed to play a trick on me, let the days slip through my hands like I'd tried to carry water in them. And only a few short weeks later I was standing in front of Hanji.

“Well, congratulations. You are a free man now.”

As if I hadn’t heard that one before. “Thanks.”

“What was that? I didn’t hear you properly.”

“Fuck off.”

They cackled, obviously very satisfied with themselves.

Ignoring it I grimaced at my weak arm. The poor thing was even more pale than usual and not only too thin, but most of all filthy. The muscles had been consumed immensely and the callouses had reduced and softened in the secluded environment of the cast. It would take weeks to get it back into proper action. Months…years perhaps until it would be back to its former state. And all in all it was so gross after the neglected hygiene that all I yearned to do was have a bath, an ample training session, and a shower, preferably in this order. The sooner I’d start the better.

“You won’t stress it too heavily right away, will you?” Hanji glared at me.

“This has nothing to do with you being all washed and pretty, I suppose.” They were exceptionally neat…for their standards at least. I had to admit that I appreciated their effort.

“Oh, you’ve noticed. I’m glad. Honestly, though. If I hear anything bad you’ll get it back on before you can say: _“Clean that again.”_ In return I promise to shower once a week for one month.”

Knowing that I had no other choice here I only loured back.

“Well, I guess that’s as much affirmation as I’ll get.”

“Two months, once a week,” I bargained. “At least.”

They looked as appalled as if they'd be the one with the filthy arm, but agreed. “Deal. Now shoo. We both know you want to take one of these soapy waters things.” They shuddered in amusement. “Oh, and take this with you. A messenger brought it with him today.”

They handed me a bundle of considerable size that made me want to groan at its sight. “Paperwork from the top brass?” Old sweat made my arm stick when I moved it and my fingers were almost slimy with it. I truly needed that bath…

“Among other things, yes. There’s also stuff for Eren in there. Make sure he’ll get it?”

“Mm.”

I had already left and walked half the way to my house when Hanji’s words sunk in. Why would I see Eren sooner than them? Now that I was freed from that cast he surely would have left for the community center. It didn’t matter that I felt a pang at that thought. It was only the natural course.

If only…

Stop it!

It smelled like snow and the first trace of Underground. I glanced at the sky—still grey—, wrapped the cloak tighter around my shoulders and, intent to not slip on the icy pavement for a second time, hurried home as fast as my bad leg would let me.

\- - -

Eren hadn’t left. When I opened the door to my cottage he was standing in the kitchen, peeling potatoes, and crooning to himself. A tea pot was waiting on the table nearby, a small cake next to it. I heard a fire cracking and…were these snowdrops?

“Great, you’re home!”

Petrified I stood in the doorway, not even noticing that my boots were leaving puddles on the floor. I stared at the table—cake, flowers, and tea—and then at him.

And the world stopped.

On the other side of the kitchen window the sky had just begun to radiate in that threatening yellow. I watched as it crept through the glass and let him glow in the most breathtaking way, his hair all mussy, his face shining, his emotions so bare, so easy for me to read.

It was like someone had looked into the darkest parts of my soul and built this scene out of my most guarded dreams.

As quickly as it had begun the spell broke as thick, white flakes began to slowly dance to the ground in carefree waves behind the glass. It had been the very first time I had remained completely in the present right before the snow set in. It had been the very first time I’d ever wanted to kiss anyone this badly too. I’d fantasised about it, but now the wish was overpowering. The wish to simply wrap my arms around him, nestle into his heavenly embrace, and shortly press my lips against his.

“I thought we’d celebrate.” Eren, previously beaming, was now watching me warily. “Since the original birthday party was a bit of a let down with everything…you know?”

I needed to get out of there.

I blinked and that finally made me able to move again. “I need to take a bath,” I stated and shoved the whole bundle of mail into his arms. “For you.”

Without further comment and letting show as little as I could I fled into the bathroom, locked the door behind me and closed my eyes as I leant my back against it. I sank to the ground, my trembling hands wandering up to my face, then into my hair.

My days had long become Eren being blown in by a cool breeze in the mornings, all warm greetings and glowing cheeks. Eren sitting at the table and inhaling the steam from the tea cup, smiling gently into his portion of porridge. Eren sweeping the floor in graceful movements, the first trace of the afternoon sun making his hair shimmer like gold. Eren stirring in a kettle on the stove and humming softly while I set the table. Eren turning pages and reading out loud from time to time whenever he’d come across something he liked. Easy conversations in front of the fireplace at night until, eventually, one of us would decide it was late—a definition that had been loosened with every passing day.

I didn’t want to give that up. Didn’t want Eren to be gone. It had been good here with him around. But like this? I clenched my hands and was relieved that I could focus my exasperation on the fact that my right fist was too weak and protested furiously at the unfamiliar angle. It lasted only for a second.

Breathe.

And don’t cry!

Footsteps approached behind me, followed by an unassertive tap on the door and his worried voice. “I…um…I’m just going to check after the horses.” He was giving me space.

“Good.”

I waited for him to add something else, a why perhaps. But all that came was the sound of something brushing over the wood in my back, his feet moving away, a distant rustling of clothes, and the entrance door being opened and quietly closed. I needed to get a grip.

I’d desperately tried to convince myself that I only needed time. Time for it to go away. That eventually he would stop chasing me and look at someone else who could make him happy. And that eventually I’d get over it too and this ache would fade or numb itself enough to make it bearable.

I’d been fooling myself. Eren was too stubborn. Too determined. And to see him standing in that light like this—young and gorgeous and everything I wasn’t, looking at me as if he saw something precious…something beautiful, someone good…

Someone loved…

It would never go away.

“Damn it.”I blinked up at the blurry ceiling. “I’m fucked.” Well, hopefully not in the literal sense.

Doing my best to brush off the feeling of sickness I stumbled up to my feet to let in the bathing water. Hot—piping hot—and wonderful. It would help. Then I removed my boots and took care of the wet mess on the floor. Somehow I knew he had already taken care of the puddles in the living room. It would already be spotless.

As I washed out the ice-water soaked cloth in the sink I caught my haunted reflexion in the mirror. It was like seeing a stranger. His eyes were too red in the already too pale and sleep-deprived face that was even more waxen now. His cheeks and his ears were slightly pink in a way that didn’t come from the frost. The hair was ruffled in a chaotic manner.

“Fucking coward.” I turned away. I didn’t want to see that guy. I knew I was losing my shit without being confronted with the visual evidence.

At least the bath did help. And when my right arm finally dipped under the steaming water as I sank into the tub I sighed in relief.

Maybe, if I would dive under completely, the world wouldn’t see me…

I hid in the tub for so long that my fingers and toes were wrinkled and I was just toweling myself dry as I heard Eren return. My gaze wandered over to a fresh set of clothes. The knowledge that he had stored them here earlier didn’t make it better. I got dressed and scowled at my reflexion in the mirror one last time.

Breathe.

I opened the door and stepped out, expecting the worst. Whatever that might be.

Nothing happened.

Even though the mood was a little bit stiff at first, it was just another snowy afternoon, followed by another snowy evening. The only visible difference was that we had flowers, cake (utterly delicious cake—Eren seemed relieved at that mention and promised to tell Sasha thanks), and that I had my arm back.

Things got a little awkward in between when Eren unwrapped one of the packages that had come with the mail: Historia had sent him a box with rare tea leaves that, according to her enclosed letter, had been steamed over milk and were the latest delicacy at court. Their infusion had the colour of light honey and it tasted almost creamy and nutty. Perfect during these cold days and fortunately pleasantly calming.

After dinner Eren picked up his book again and while I trained my hand with a ball I tried to go through the fist pile of fresh paperwork. It was a rather fruitless business. The words didn’t make any sense, mixing into an incoherent nonsense of ink and fuzziness in my head, no matter how often I read and re-read them, and when Eren left for the night I immediately fell into bed, completely exhausted.

I still didn’t come to a rest. My mind constantly took me back to him. It betrayed me in imagining how it would be like to have him join me, cradle me against his chest as we went to sleep, his hand in mine, his breath in my ear, and our hearts beating as one.

At some time I must have drifted off but awoke much too early, feeling even more tired than before and chilled to my bones. The snow hadn’t stopped falling over night and had covered the dark world under a thick crust.

My morning routine kept me occupied for a while and the muscle atrophy only forced me to concentrate on my movements instead of letting my thoughts linger elsewhere. When I was finished I cleared the pavement in front of the entrance from the fresh snow, scooped the old ashes out of the hearth, and supplied it with fresh kindling. Anything that kept me busy. Eventually though I was out of tasks and found my attention being focussed on the table and the small vase with snowdrops. I pondered about it for a brief moment and prepared the double portion of porridge, but didn’t set the table yet. I didn’t dare to hope. And then I waited.

Of course he came. And as I heard the well-known, energetic footsteps outside my heart made a treacherous jump.

There was a wariness in Eren’s eyes when he greeted me, an unspoken question where we stood. If we were okay. I held it for a second and saw his relief that probably mirrored my own.

Breakfast passed calmly and was comfortably familiar. While I tried to feel the room Eren seemed quite content with the situation which, after half an hour, finally made me relax too. At least I hadn’t ruined this with my own weirdness yesterday. That was all that mattered. As for my heart, it would just have to fucking deal with the constant squish.

When the porridge was finished Eren excused himself to check on the horses. The morning air was so biting cold that it stung in the lungs and even though the stables had thick walls, we both would feel better to know for sure that they had everything they needed. Meanwhile I cleared and wiped the table, washed the dishes and checked on the reignited fire.

I was just finished and washing my hands when Eren reentered with a gust of snow and chilly wind, his cheeks and nose reddened from the frost. At his sight I stepped to the stove to make us a fresh pot of tea. Even if he probably didn’t need it due to his higher body temperature, it would help him to drive out the cold. Without second-guessing it I used the tea leaves from Historia he’d left here as I waited for the water to come to a boil.

Behind the ice flower framed window the sun had fully risen by now, hidden by the clouds, sending a bleak light over the world that was still obscured by the constant fall of white flakes. The trees were bending under their heavy load and some of the roofs carried icicles.

“Looks like we’re about to get snowed in today, doesn't it?” Eren mentioned and stepped closer, peeking out of the window as well. “It’s beautiful.”

The scenery outside reflected in his eyes, making them seem even more intense than they already were. I’d never met anyone else that could outshine the world above the Underground, let alone make it more compelling through their eyes.

I gulped. Yes, it is.

“At home we’ve never had this much snow during winter,” he continued. “It was enough for a few snow ball fights and for building one small snowmen a year or two, but nothing more. Mum always served stew when we’d come home after that…” His voice trailed off and a faint frown knitted his eyebrows, shadowing the light in his eyes.

There also were a few worry lines around his mouth as I could see now. I wanted to brush them out, take them, free him from his troubles, and make him smile. Eren always laughed so much that little glimpses of his sadness like this cut like a knife. People tended to forget that being gifted with extraordinary healing didn’t save you from emotional scars. And Eren collected them like a child would collect marbles.

The kettle was whistling and I wrest myself away. “The first time I’ve seen snow was the winter the Titans came back.”

When Eren spoke again his voice was clear of the previous sorrow. “That must have been weird. Living without seasons, I mean. Without nature or weather and suddenly being confronted with it.”

I poured the water into the pot and put the lid on top. “Well, we had seasons. It only wasn’t that visible.” I nodded at the window. “Not like this at least. But they were there.”

“Yeah? How?” He had turned to me, his expression curious and open as ever. The cool brightness from the snow outside enlightened his face. A warm creature in a cold world. I realised I wanted him to know everything.

“I’ll fetch the chess board.”

And thus I began to explain. I told Eren about the times of cold that hadn’t been especially frosty in the big cave; but how the water level had painted the side walls of the canal with black grime since the dirt from the outside world had washed through the sewers with the melting snow. I told him about how the filth soon was everywhere. About how it had been sticking to the feet and creeping up the walls of the houses until finally, eventually, the days had gotten warmer after that.

I told him about the periods of indefinable heat that had settled in every corner of the city. About how it had crept through the shadows and stone walls, made breathing hard in the muddy air and enhanced the fetidness in a way that had simply been appalling and suffocating. About how the heat had abated and how we had heard the world outside ache and groan under the autumn storms until the circle had begun from anew.

And Eren listened. He clung to every word and soon the game of chess was abandoned, forgotten in memories. He’d always been a good listener and easy to talk to. He asked the right questions, omitted the wrong ones, and so I told him more. I told him about the rats. About the flies that swarmed in the summer. How they had bred and had been everywhere, gathering around the omnipresent dirt that had breathed its offensive odour in a cacophony of excrements, decay and sweat. About the stench in general, how it had clung to clothes and hair in a way that made one think you’d never get rid of it again. A constant reminder of who you were and where you came from.

I told him about the stairs and the fees, about how amazed the children had been whenever they had found a colourful leaf that had found it’s way down into the gutters and how there’d always been someone who had tried to explain things like storm and rain. Or the sun and the night sky. ‘Like a breeze, only much stronger. Water coming from above in tiny drops that would be white during winter. Warm light from above. Silvery colours and tiny, shimmering dots on black like dust on dark wood.’

I tried to explain him how the ceiling had darkened everything, like clouds on a night sky. And before I really knew it I was telling him about Isabel and Farlan. It was so strangely easy talking about them. I’d never really done it up to that day.

By now we were sitting next to each other at adjacent corners, the already second filling of the teapot emitting a constantly swirling pillar of steam and the cups in our hands keeping the chilliness away.

I had fed the fireplace with more pieces of kindling earlier and the remaining resin in the wood cracked happily in the dancing flames. A bowl of freshly roasted chestnuts stood between us and we peeled them while I continued with my tellings. Getting the nuts out of their shells was cumbersome with more or less only one agile hand, but occasionally Eren would quietly supply me with one of his.

“You must miss them,” he eventually said softly with a sad smile. I hadn’t told him how they had died, but he seemed to know already.

“Mm. I still see the look on their faces when we first stepped out and were blinded by the sun. Seeing the planes and woods.”

“How was it like?”

“It was bright and green. Scary and beautiful. Vast. Probably a bit like it would be for you if we would find that ocean.”

We fell back into silence, both lost in our own thoughts, peeling chestnuts. They were so hot, that I regretted the loss of callouses on my right hand from anew, but Eren didn’t even wince as he opened the hot husk to free the fruits inside. If he hadn’t had his restoring powers he probably would have burnt himself badly by now. His fingers were steaming—a sign that he felt comfortable. Since the end of the war he hadn’t shifted anymore if it hadn’t been absolutely necessary and was extremely careful to not get injured in front of others. It was better to not rub it under their noses that there was still at least one Titan left. We’d fought hard for the authorities’ approval, and it wasn’t a given one.

“And there I was,” Eren said, putting the freshly peeled chestnut onto the saucer of my tea cup and reaching for a new one. “Constantly complaining about being trapped inside the walls. And yet I was so privileged. We even had a good life until it all went to rubbish.”

“It is only natural to wish for more.”

He shrugged. “Still. I had the sun, hadn’t I? And the sky?”

“Well, we both have them now.”

“Hm.”

The fire cracked. Outside the snow still hadn’t stopped falling and I wondered if we would truly get snowed in. I wouldn’t have minded too much if we would have ended up being trapped in here like this for a day or two. It was almost too cosy.

“I’m glad you made it out.” Eren stared at his hands. “I’m sorry you lost your family though.”

I didn’t really know how to answer—it was clear he didn’t solely mean Isabel and Farlan—so I nodded and reached for the chestnut he had just peeled. It was still warm and rich, almost sweet. Just like him.

“Hanji told me this morning that if it all goes according to plan we will move on in another month,” he said. “Hopefully the snow will have melted until then. What do you think? Will we see the ocean this year?”

“Maybe. If it exists.”

“What would you like to see most?”

You, I wanted to say. Only you. “Well, the ocean does sound interesting,” I said instead.

“I really wish we’ll get to see it. Some day at least…” The passion in Eren’s eyes was almost contagious. It was invigorating and adventurous and everything that I had believed to have lost. It hurt to look at it. It would hurt even more to look away. So I didn’t.

It’s almost ironic, I mused. Two titulars of humanity sitting at a shabby kitchen table, reaching for stars they’ll probably never catch.

“Am I foolish to dream?” Eren looked directly at me, his fingers twiddling with a new chestnut. 

“No. At least you’ve still got hope left,” I answered. “It’s more than most of us have.”

The frown was back on his brow and for a moment he studied my face. I could almost see the wheels turning in his head.

With a sudden determination settling on his features, he leant over, reached out, and put his hand on mine. My stomach dropped and turned into a stone of ice. My heart fluttered and wanted to settle in my throat.

“There’s always hope, Levi.”

So this is it, I thought in an absurdly clear moment, peering down at our hands and then at him.

He would let me go if I wanted to. It was there in his eyes. In the feathery touch of his hand. In the barely noticeable way his shoulders had tightened. In the way he tried to not press his lips together. But even if I would have been able to pull back, he had put it out into the open. He’d always been so courageous. In the end I should have been surprised he’d not done this sooner.

Now it was my turn. And even though he patiently waited for me to make up my mind, it was clear that there was no way out. No escape. Not anymore.

This is just like war. Take a deep breath…and plunge in.

“Well, aren’t we at an impasse now.” My voice sounded so strange in my own ears. More like a caw, actually.

Eren smiled mildly. “That’s only because we constantly hide from each other.”

I exhaled. “So what do we do now?”

“Either you pull away or you don’t. Your decision.”

“And then what. Live happily ever after?”

“Why not?” As always the optimist.

“Things aren’t always that easy, Eren.”

“That doesn’t mean they have to be that complicated either, darling.”

We stared at each other.

Maybe this was what constantly drew us together. His never-waving sanguinity that was contrary to my way of seeing things. It made me see light. It kept him on his feet. It made him say silly things like _“darling”_. It made me only fall for him more and more.

“They are complicated,” I insisted before he could say even more silly things. “Apart from the fact that I’m your superior officer…I don’t know about this shit. I’m not even _fit_ for you–”

“Hey,” Eren said quietly, his thumb drawing lines on my knuckles. His expressive eyes were holding me with that typical insistency that lifted my resistance and I felt him breaking down my defenses until there was nothing left. “Isn’t that last part my decision? And as for the other things…we’ll work them out somehow. We always do.”

I had to get it out now. It had been eating me up for too long and if I would hurt him over this later I would never forgive myself.

“I will never fuck.”

He merely shrugged. “Alright. Fine with me.”

What? This was not the reaction I had anticipated. He didn’t freak out. He didn’t pull back. He didn’t seem to be shocked or appalled. He didn’t even seem surprised. Instead he just sat on the chair, calm and observant. It was as if I’d just given an order and he’d miraculously accepted it, only to wait for further instructions. This was not how couples usually got together…was it?

I began anew. “I’m serious, Eren. I won’t. I will never want you that way. I’ll never fuck you or grope you or let you do it to me.”

“You do know that we could have begun with the fact that I more or less live here anyway already and how it would be much more practical if I just moved in, right?”

I frowned.

He leant a bit closer, his hand carefully holding mine. “Is this what’s been troubling you all this time?” He was still looking at me with this overpowering tenderness that mingled with concern. “I just want to take care of you. I want to make sure you’re never cold and that your floor is always without dust. I don’t care about the rest.”

It was the nicest, the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me.

“You are such an idiot.” 

A knowing smile stole its way onto his face, like someone had lit a light. He retreated his hand in a silent offer, only far enough so I could carefully intertwine our fingers. And I did. It felt so good. So right.

It looked right too.

He squeezed my hand, firmly this time, as if he needed the assurance as much as I did. And he laughed. It was a short and liberating outburst that made it impossible to not smile back.

“So. What now, darling?”

“How the fuck should I know. You started this, you stubborn butthole.”

“Fair enough.” He chuckled. “I want try something. You can stop me any time.”

“Alright.”

After giving me a moment to change my mind, Eren slowly leant closer until his forehead came to a rest against mine. His eyes were still glinting but the previous waggishness in their gaze was gone. This gaze was honest and glowing with affection.

“Okay?”

“Yes.” My voice was a mess.

“Good. Your turn.”

I let myself reach out to brush over his sideburns and briefly ran my fingers through his hair. So silky.

“You.” 

“Mm.” Still moving slowly Eren leant even closer and nudged his nose against mine, only to rub over it back and forth a couple of times, delicately and leisurely. And then his nose was gone and our foreheads were back to touching.

I can do this, I told myself.

I nuzzled back, stopped for a moment to look reassuringly into his eyes, and placed a short peck on his lips. They were soft and warm and dry and it made my heart sing. I could feel him smile into the kiss and when I reopened my eyes, his were sparkling.

Maybe he was right. Maybe we would be able to work this out. With his hand in mine and the happiness deep in my stomach, it almost seemed too easy now. And when he pulled me into his arms later that night to gently hold me against his beating heart I felt mine answer with a steady “yes”.

Outside the snow stopped falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to [Milu](http://miluuu.tumblr.com/) for the lovely collaboration, the insight into their creation process and for drawing the wonderful art for this chapter. I adore it so much! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave feedback in form of Kudos or comments. They motivate me more than anything else and inspire me to keep on writing. Thank you! <3
> 
> My [tumblr](http://sugarplum-senpai.tumblr.com/).


End file.
